HORSE the band - Crippled by Pizza (Pizzarrhea in the Pizzeria)
Pizza, 2006.
PRESS RELEASE:
LOS ANGELES, Calif. - June, 3, 2006 - Amidst rampant media speculation, HORSE the band today announced they have returned home early from their direct support gig on “The Stampeding Machines Tour” with headliners the Great Gatsby’s and openers Portugal the band and Forever Durden, cancelling all remaining shows.
The news may come as no surprise to some, as the band posted two cryptic bulletins on their myspace.com (a social networking site) page two days ago. Claiming their departure from the tour was “due to pizza”, HORSE left many of their fans in a bewildered uproar, many of whom are just now recovering.
14 suicides, mostly in upstate New York, were reported as of midnight last night. Many took place at the actual shows when it was announced that HORSE would not be playing, after the promoters saw fit to withhold the information until tickets had been purchased and used.
The band’s official statement follows in full:
“Scum. We left that tour because we ate really, really, really good pizza in Lou Malnati’s in Chicago with Dave’s grandparents. The pizza was such that we were inspired by God to write music of the kind not heard in this world since Mozart was fed his first currywurst. A copy of Nietzsche’s “The Gay Science” was onhand and for 2 days we struggled with the question posed in “the Greatest Weight” passage, which follows. In essence, it asks the reader to examine their every action if they had to repeat their lives exactly for all eternity, begging the question in each and every thing, “Do you desire this once more, and innumerable times more?”
We couldn’t decide if we should stay in Chicago and keep eating pizza for the rest of our lives. But after two days of rigorous theory, we realized we had to write divine music about the pizza. We decided to drive home immediately and write and record a 5-song EP called “Pizza” before Sounds of the Underground and Warped Tour started. God was there.
Have not read this in a while. Powerful memories. Wicked Decisions.
Hevy Festival has announced the first set of bands for this years festival. 
